Struggle of faith

I'm struggling lately, it's with my faith but not directly. My belief hasn't waviered I still believe that the Quran is the book. It's just motivating myself to live the life I should be, I feel so bogged down and I shouldn't. My faith should make me feel stronger. At peace, shouldn't it?

I feel like I should be looking to the Quran for answers but don't know where to look.

Avatar

I loved this movie, it took all I had not to bawl at the end.
I found it hard to watch the parts of war with the soldiers and "the people" and forest.. was tough.. watching someone you find yourself growing fond of even tho you know nothing about them being treated so badly.

Reminded me a lot of racism and discrimination.. I was impressed the man character was disabled. I think that might have been a first.

I've found myself doing the post Avatar sigh.. everything just seems so flat and blah now.
thats one of those movies that you are just never going to be able to watch and appreciate in regular non IMAX 3D view.

It makes me sad just thinking about it.
Now I admit there were holes in the story but with a view like that, its easy not to care.
It was amazing.
4/5 easy.

Time flys.

I can not believe February is almost over. Where is the time going? i spent a good four hours in the car yesterday and let me tell you, I am not happy that I know I am going to have to do it again soon.

So, I started another one of the library books i took with me..
I have 6 of the 7 out for me.
Ive started all but one.. and I have finished one.

I'm half finished two. I am hoping to get closer to done one of those two.
I need an excuse to go back, because i want to check out their dvd section.

I was sitting in the drs office looking at old magazines and there was an old Town & Country magazine with pictures of Buckingham Palace garden pictures that I would kill to have but of course I can not find them anywhere.
One of them just screamed Pans Labyrinth at me.
Must have.
Its just finding it that's going to be tricky.

I've met someone recently, No idea where its going to go, if anywhere and i can not figure out how i feel about it.
He seems like a great guy, we communicate well.
So whats the problem right?

Other then he also deals with depression and any time i get involved with someone with depression its complicated because their moods trigger my bi polar and it all goes to hell.

Added to his blindness and my disability = not sure how that would fly at all.
And he still lives at home, he admits its not something he much likes either but idk ya know. Just used to being "unsupervised" and doing the whole staying at someones parents again just not sure if I could to be honest.
I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like i got transported back to pre grade ten when i was living on my own.

Someones been sending me a text a day -ish.. not sure who it is. if it be the crazy duo but I told him texting was disabled assuming he'd look up or walk in the next room and tell her.

I keep wondering if its the ex i can't get out of my head - but i can't figure out why he'd be texting me if he's still with the newer model.
I hate not knowing.

02/12/10

It's been an interesting week, and a bit to be honest I am glad things came out that did, and glad that people reacted the way they have.
It showed me some things and I mean lets be honest parts of it tickled me pink in a way i can not even begin to express.
Something someone near and dear said to me very recently sums up part of it...
"Cupcakes through your mail slot? Is that some Canadian metaphor I'm not familiar with or is he bat-shit crazy?"
Yup bat-shit crazy because the cup cake incident was literal. I shit you not.
But that's okay because that particular person is mad i didn't fall down to his feet thankful for the cupcake and is no longer speaking to me.
*does a little dance*

My list of friends has also gotten a little shorter for my own reasoning.. a remark was made that I can not even begin to wrap my head around why this person thought something like that would EVER be okay to say. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.
Until finally I decided that there was nothing that could be said or done that would ever make me okay with it.

Honestly, its like not its the first thing to come out of the persons mouth and it likely would not have been the last, but i was getting more and more uncomfortable with it, so it had to be dealt with.

I dislike confrontation after I have been made to feel uncomfortable - it leaves me vulnerable and insecure. Once I have that with someone, then there's no going back. That's just how it is.
You've lost whatever bond may have been there.

I'm learning to be okay with that because I deserve to be respected and not have to deal with little suggestive comments and bullshit.
I deserve more then that just as I deserve more then someones misery.
If you are going to be in someones life and only give them your misery then what is the point?
I've also come to realize that someone I have known for a long time, and gone through a lot of shit with has been less then honest.

I guess i shouldn't be surprized but i will say this.
I won't be the one saving you from yourself next time.. fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me..
I know better now.
I mean seriously if you are going to hide and lie about something at least learn to do it less obviously.
You bad mouth your ex but honestly you are no better then her in my books.

I've managed to screw up my morning meds the last two mornings - I've just been out of it.
My plan for the next couple of days while i wait for my Wednesday to come is to throw myself into books.
C'mon Wednesday!

changes are starting..

I am annoyed with people before the days started - not a good sign. I've also had about all I can take of two people who should be closest to me going by everything and honestly I find myself just not caring enough. So Its about time that, the charade ended for the last time. Then its going to be a very simple delete from address book and I should not get anything.

I already know that the guilt trips and wanting to talk it to death will happen cuz i have been through it. So I am going to nip it in the butt before it happens.
*edit*
I have nipped it. I've already created filters so it doesn't reach me and I don't get bulldozed again. There only now leaves two places where it must be dealt with both are pretty easy. Block is there for a reason.

Today i have a guinea pig cage to deal with
Some OJ to squeeze
and some reading to catch up on.

Tuesday Morning Surprizes.

Yusuf Islam's (Cat Stevens) new cd Roadsinger is AMAZING!! I love it.
I've listened to it a dozen times already and it just gets better.

I got woken up by my best friend at 830am this morning standing over me with coffee (lucky for her!) I didn't realize that her having to go get bloodwork done meant that she was going to end up here at an ungodly hour.
Sure I usually only sleep til 9 some days but I was going for ten today since I've been so tired over working myself getting ready for the family stuff this passed weekend and then pms to boot.

I have a huge block going on with fiction lately.
I am struggling through the last half of Jane Eyre, and The Mote of Gods Eye.
I have a few other fiction books I have not bothered to try to get further into and i have switched from that to science and History. Its been an easier read, go figure, as has religion.

I'm curious as to how long it will last but I am taking it as a good thing.
It might just be what I need right now.
Now on to my free breakfast and then I have a Buddhist pdf calling my name.

Monday Mornings.

I can not seem to get as into reading fiction as I usually do, even sci-fi is more difficult. So, I have taken to Historical and Science texts. I was hoping I would have passed this hump by now but it's still very much here and annoying me.

If it keeps up its going to make meeting my reading challenge difficult. Especially with the list that I have.

I have started writing more regular-ish lately. 3 story ideas and the 4th writing exercise is a bit more personal. The story of my own Converting to Islam and my thoughts on a lot of things surrounding it.

The big thing everyone says is write what you know and well this i know and it just started spilling out on the paper so that's something.
I'd like to get something more done writing wise, and hopefully finish a book and a half come the end of the week.. here's hoping.